Adopting a Rescue Ghost
So you’re thinking about opening your home to a new family member. A ghost can seem like a great idea, but there’s plenty to consider before making your choice. While adopting a ghost can be one of the most rewarding decisions you can make, it also comes with a lot of responsibility. Ask yourself some of these questions before adopting a ghost:
Do I Have Time to Take Care of a Ghost?
There’s a big time commitment in ghost adoption. Ghosts never die, so after you bring one into your home, you are responsible for its care for the rest of your life. Depending on your age, health and luck, this can be a significant amount of time.
At minimum, a ghost will need your attention on major holidays and full moons. Some ghosts will even throw a tantrum every night, if you don’t work hard to keep them calm.
Is My Home Ghost-Ready?
Ghosts are known for toppling paintings from walls and dishes from high shelves, as well as opening and slamming doors of every kind. Before bringing your ghost home, you’ll want to install those child-safety things that make it borderline impossible to open your cabinet doors. Make sure any shatter-prone objects are kept away from high shelves, or anchor them with sturdy double-sided tape.
Some believe that ghosts can be confused by too many mirrors or asymmetrical, winding corridors with lots of doorways. Also, check to make sure you have plenty of dark, dank places where your ghost can feel at home.
Does My Lifestyle Have Room for a Ghost?
If you’re one of those go-go types who rush from the office to the gym to the pretentious cocktail party, before hopping a plane to vacation in an obscure South American paradise with only a brief stop at a Johannesburg nightclub, ask yourself if you really have room in your life for a ghost. Ghosts like having someone around to haunt. Ghosts left alone for long stretches of time can grow sad, restless, demonic and murderous. Ask yourself whether you have time to give your ghost the attention it needs.
Do I Already Have a Ghost?
If you already have at least one ghost in your home, consider the temperament of your existing ghost(s). Do they play well with others? Are they territorial? Some ghosts want to be the center of attention and will harbor resentment for a young, excitable new ghost.
If you decide to adopt an additional ghost, try introducing your old ghost(s) to the new ghost in some neutral territory, such as an off-chain ghost park (also known as a cemetery) before bringing the new ghost home.
Is My Family Ready for a Ghost?
Talk over the important decision of ghost adoption with your spouse, children or roommates (or all three) and be sure everyone is ready for a share of the responsibility. Your ghost will end up haunting the entire household at some time or another, especially whenever one of them is home alone late at night during a thunderstorm and the electricity goes out.
What Kind of Ghost is Right for Me?
There are many considerations when picking out a ghost. If you have children, you may be tempted to adopt a child ghost as a playmate. However, child ghosts have a long history of driving live children to commit horrible acts. Be safe and pick a nice grandmotherly ghost instead. She may not be as cute and glamorous as a young ghost, but you’ll appreciate the free babysitting.
On the other hand, if you’re looking for a ghost that can help with the housework, consider adopting a poltergeist. They require a lot of training, but they have tremendous spirit.
Where Should I Adopt?
That ghost store at the mall may have cute and appealing little ghosts in the window, with big black eyes that make you ache for an impulse buying decision, but you shouldn’t get your ghost there. Those stores are often supplied by horrific “ghost mills” that churn out ghosts in large number, trapping them in filthy little cages stacked on top of each other. Ghosts from these mills can have severely diseased ectoplasm and a number of behavioral and emotional disorders.
Instead, contact your local ghost rescue group. These groups provide foster care for wayward ghosts until the ghosts find their forever home.
We hope these tips have helped guide you in your decision about ghost adoption. If you have any questions or comments regarding your upcoming ghost adoption, please leave them in the comments below.
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J.L. Bryan studied English literature at the University of Georgia and at Oxford, with a focus on the English Renaissance and the Romantic period. He also studied screenwriting at UCLA. He is the author of five novels and one short-story collection. He enjoys remixing elements of paranormal, supernatural, fantasy, horror and science fiction into new kinds of stories. His new novel is The Haunted E-book. The sequel to his novel Jenny Pox will be available by summer 2011.